Inside Her Head
by sunnyamazing
Summary: Sam's POV: Series of oneshots of certain SP moments. Previously called The Choice. Sweet Revenge Chapter Up Now! Please review xoxo
1. Walking Away

**Inside Her Head**

**A/N: I don't own any of the characters mentioned below they belong to The Bill. This is a new idea that I had in the early hours of the morning. I'm sure that people who have read my fic's in the past will know who these thoughts belong to and who and when they are about. Thanks to Gemz for reading the first half of this chapter and encouraging me to post in on here. Please review and let me know who you think this is about and when it is set. I will reveal all when I post the next chapter. However I have to write it first and I'm not sure when I will! Thanks – Laura xoxo **

**Chapter 1 – Walking Away**

I hear myself say the words, do I really want to say them? I'm not sure. Are they the right words to be saying? High and dry is that really what I believe will happen to me if this continues. Do I want him just as a friend when he could be so much more than that? Is this the last time I will ever kiss him? Did I really want to break that hug and walk away? I don't know. That's why I have three weeks off, three weeks to sort my head out. Now all I have to do is walk, walk forward and don't look back. Even if I wanted to I couldn't, I feel a tear run down my cheek, and I can't let him see that or anyone else for that matter. I was the one who wanted to keep our relationship secret. Why did I do that? Why didn't I shout it from the rooftops? The bottom of the stairs, he didn't follow. Did I expect him to? Another question that needs answering and I can't answer them, I usually have all the answers, what has happened to me?

Another tear falls down my cheek, followed by a few more. What do they mean? Am I happy or am I sad? My hand shakes as I pull open the car door, I need to drive. I did the right thing, I did. Just need to repeat that to myself, perhaps out loud. No that didn't help, distraction try distraction, the radio. No that didn't help either, stupid stupid romantic love songs. I couldn't trust him, look at what he has done to the other women in his life who have trusted him before. He let them down, he cheated, he chased other women, his conquests. Was I just another? That word why did he say it? Did he mean it? Or was it just a response to what we had just done? Which was good, very good in fact.

Somehow I have made it home, I haven't caused any accidents, although I really wasn't concentrating on the road. Lock the car, walk up the stairs, open door, walk into kitchen. Then there they are, the breakfast dishes from this morning, he made me late so I left them there. Sitting in the pairs of two, but I'm just one now. I take hold of the cup he used for his coffee and hold it close, what am I doing? I ended it, not him. I want to throw it, I feel my hand move upwards and the cup leaves my hand, I watch it crash into the wall and then shatter onto the floor. Why do I feel as if that is my heart, broken and battered and in pieces on the floor?

Sleep I need to sleep, my head hits the pillow, but what is that? This pillow smells like him too, I can't escape him, he is all around me. I couldn't trust him, I made the right decision. It was never going to work, better to end it now and keep him as a friend, before we started to hate each other. But is he even going to want to be mine still? He has to, he just has to, but no he doesn't. I can't tell him anything to do anymore, perhaps I've just thrown away and broken three years of my life just as easily as I shattered that cup. Why do I do these things? Why am I so cold? Why does my fear stop me from living time and time again? I close my eyes, wishing for sleep, wishing to turn the clock back, but to when. I don't have a clue and I hate feeling this way.

I'm still awake, its 4am and I feel no better. These past months have been some of the hardest I have ever been through. I made mistakes, bad decisions. Perhaps the worst one's of my life. I let someone move into my house, someone who I didn't love, I lost a baby, perhaps the last chance I ever had to give Abi a sibling, I was ambushed twice and was prepared to say something as my last words and today I couldn't say them at all. I can't even say them to myself, I can't even be honest lying here alone in the dark. I didn't have to be alone, I chose this path. I could have trusted him, believed in him. But maybe he has changed and I'm the one who hasn't. Afraid of my own feelings, afraid to be hurt, afraid to ruin a friendship, I'm just afraid all together. Scared to live a life that might involve more pain, but would he have caused me pain? Whenever I have needed him in the past couple of years he has been there, he helped to rescue my daughter, he was the one who I confided in, and he did the same with me. He is my best friend, or perhaps that should be he was my best friend. I have ruined everything, with one decision. My phone hasn't rung, he hasn't called. Did I expect he would? Has he returned to that rubbish bin to get that number? Do I care if he did? Maybe I do, should I care since I was the one who ran? No I shouldn't, but I do. I need to get these thoughts out of my head, the remote should be here somewhere. The television, surely there is some boring infomercial on that will send me to sleep.

No perhaps not, only the movie Love Actually, am I being tortured? Why didn't I turn it off? No I just lay there watching, watching the people fall in love and make giant leaps into the unknown. Why couldn't I do that? I need to focus, I have three weeks, three weeks to sort my head out, three weeks to forget and to move on. I made the right decision, I couldn't trust him to be faithful. I just couldn't, but if I am so sure that I made the right choice, why is he all I can see when I close my eyes? I need to stop this I can't change what I have done now, I'm just going to have to forget.

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	2. Holiday Thoughts

**Thanks to Beccy, Becca, Emz and Gemz for reviewing the first chapter!**

**Chapter 2 – Holiday Thoughts**

Here I am again, laying alone in bed. I still can't sleep, it has been three weeks already. How much sleep have I actually gotten recently, if I'm honest to myself then it isn't much. Tomorrow I have to return to Sun Hill and see him again. I've tried to forget him and perhaps I nearly succeeded. He didn't call, or even appear on my doorstep, and honestly perhaps I wanted him to. I wanted him to fight for me to show me how much he cared and wanted our relationship to work. But he didn't, he did what I asked him to do. For the first time ever he actually listened and did what I said, that is a miracle in itself. I wonder how he is? Did he miss me? What will he do tomorrow when I arrive? Are things ever going to be the same again? Am I ever going to have the same friendship with him as before? This break was supposed to help me answer questions, but what has happened instead, it has created whole new ones. This is useless, the forgetting hasn't worked, why did I think that it would.

I managed to keep myself busy for the past few weeks, I did a lot of shopping, bought a lot of clothes. Nice ones too, but I don't have anywhere to wear them to or anyone to show them off to. I even returned to my old ways of making lists and I made one about him, the pros and cons of Phil Hunter, and somehow the list of pros was longer. The only con that really made any sense was the fact that he cheated in the past. The pros were he is caring, he saved my life, he knows all about my past, he actually said that he loves me and perhaps if I can finally be honest he might actually be my soul mate. But why does that one con outweigh all of those other points? I need to stop thinking like this, the clock is there flashing at me, it's 1am.

I reach out and turn on the lamp, the light hurts my eyes. There is an envelope here somewhere. I know that I shouldn't read what is inside, but I just can't help myself. There it is, his familiar writing, most people can't even read what he writes, but after years of practice I can, all the years of reading his scrawled notes in briefings and most of the time they were rude. This is the card that arrived late, there are the simple words, wishing me a Merry Christmas and yet I couldn't send one back. I have to try and stick to my choice, even though now it is perhaps the wrong one. I need to remember that one con, that one fact that if I actually allowed myself to trust him and actually allowed myself to fall in love with him, that with his past he would hurt me and I could never stand to be hurt that way by him.

I have to stop thinking like this, I made the right decision. Tomorrow is just another day, another day back at Sun Hill solving crimes. I am DS Samantha Nixon, I am intelligent, strong and confident, I need no man. That sounded ridiculous, perhaps I just worked out when to turn the clock back to. To a time where I could actually believe that sentence. Perhaps back to 2002, before my life became so complex, back to the time where Phil was just Phil, my annoying co-worker who I was in charge of, he wasn't my best friend and nothing was as complicated as it is now. I would have never let these ridiculous thoughts enter my head, my life was work and I was good at my job. But do I want to be that person again? That person who used people to get her own way. I don't know who I want to be anymore, I don't know who I am anymore, what has happened to me? I can't blame everything on Phil, he didn't tell me to abandon my daughter, to sleep with a corrupt Australian officer and he certainly warned me about Stuart. I really have made bad choices, perhaps I shouldn't even be going back to Sun Hill at all.

I try to close my eyes again, but I can still see his face, his cheeky grin and hear his voice inside my head. A week ago perhaps I had began to forget, but the arrival of that card and the fact that it's the holiday season and here I am still alone and everything keeps flooding back. I have lived a lifetime of regrets, somehow I managed to forget most of them, but why does this one keep on staying? No matter how hard I try. I need to sleep I have to be awake in only a few hours. It is time I accepted it, I left Phil, me Sam, I did the leaving, it was my decision. I cannot change the past. I just have to move on with my life. I was right to do what I did, he is my friend, at least I hope that he is. Nothing more, anything more is just too painful and I can't live a life with anymore pain. Or can I? No, this has to stop, my eyes have to close and his face has to leave my sight. I cannot do anything now, if I just repeat that then perhaps I will believe it. Phil is just my friend, repeat it over and over again, Phil is just my friend, nothing more. These weeks off haven't helped, I'm still just as confused. Phil is just my friend, he is infuriating, arrogant and an idiot. I can and could never trust him not to hurt me, people can't change that much. Perhaps he won't even be in tomorrow and I won't have to see him. But I do want to see him. I seriously need to stop thinking, my brain needs to switch off. These questions are driving me insane, if forgetting isn't going to work then ignoring will have to. But what if that doesn't work? Still more questions with no easy answers or perhaps no answers at all. Ignoring will have to work. There is just no other way, I am Sam, I don't need no man.

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	3. Back Again

**Thanks to Emz, Gemz, Lynsey, Beccy and Ruth for reviewing the previous chapter!**

**Chapter 3 – Back Again**

Right, I'm here back again. Nothing much has seemed to change. Take a deep breath, what did all those women's magazines say, stand tall, look confident, fake it until you feel it. As if that ever works, come on Sam its not going to be that bad. I have had three weeks, three weeks to sort all of this out, I just need to remember that I made the right decision. He probably has a new woman anyway, or perhaps even several. He is just your friend, it is a new year, new opportunities. Breathe and relax, its time to return.

I leave the car and nearly make it all the way to CID before I have to open my mouth, Tony and Reg, so far so good. Oh great who is coming up the stairs, Stuart, just who I didn't want to see. Remember it is a new year, act interested. Ask him about his Christmas. What is he saying? Ding dong something, oh he is such an idiot. What on earth did I ever see in him? Wait, let's not open that bag of thoughts! So far no sign of Phil, I walk in with Stuart and there he is. He still looks good, what did I expect? He has always looked good. I am totally screwed.

But there is Jo, she is back. I have missed her, she could always make me laugh. Talk to her, just ignore him. Hope that he doesn't flash one of those smiles at me. Phil has been filling her in has he, I guess that means I'm going to be station gossip and everyone is going to know. Then he speaks, something about canteen menus, perhaps he didn't tell her after all.

Another new DI, should be me, should have been me in the first place. Another regret, hang on what is Jo saying? Is she talking about Neil? Cause he is behind her. Quick try and give her a look, oops too late.

Suddenly the room is empty and it is just us in here. I am alone with him again. He is coming closer to me and I feel his kiss on my cheek and his arms around me. Why did I give all of this up? Our conversation is strained, it's like we don't know what to say to each other anymore. It is like we are back in the past again, better women than me, somehow I don't think so. Are we going to be alright? Perhaps I should ask him, why did that answer make my stomach churn, friends and colleagues, why does that leave a bitter taste in my mouth?

Concentrate, I am back at work. We had better go and join the others and listen to what is going on today. Another fire, the lottery winners this time, aren't we all so lucky. Money to burn, that is a funny joke and of course he said it, didn't he. Hang on Neil is handing out the assignments, oh please don't let me be paired with Stuart, I don't think I could handle a whole day with him. Oh great, Phil is paired with Jo, that means I'm with him, what a day it is going to be today.

Today has been terrible, I am pacing outside the DCI's office. We really stuffed up that arson case, well if I'm honest Stuart stuffed it up, I had my doubts about Warren Prichard from the start and to find out the truth, well it shocked me. I glance into the office, Jack is angry and Stuart for once in his life looks flustered. He is moving towards the door, great I guess it's my turn. What am I going to say? Quick think of something, admit that it is your fault too. Wait concentrate on what Jack is saying, level of competence, he is smiling at me. I've got the job, did he really just say that. I am going to be the new DI, me. I actually don't believe it, I got the email and I wasn't even going to apply, Jack convinced me. As I leave the office I feel as if I am floating on air, yes I'm back where I belong, DI Samantha Nixon, that's me.

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	4. Sweet Revenge

**Thanks to Gemz and Ruth for reviewing the last chapter, this chapter took some thinking to write, so please let me know what you think! I am not sure where it is going, but as we get closer to the UK episodes here in Australia perhaps inspiration may strike me!**

**Chapter 4 – Sweet Revenge**

I turn backwards as I head towards my office, leaving the noise of my celebrating colleagues behind and settling for the quietness and familiar surroundings that I have become so accustomed to quite quickly. I take a deep breath, I know that he is behind me, or that he should be. I discard my coat to the other side of the room and wait for him to appear, I sit at my desk, two hands flat against the cold surface, I cannot excuse his behaviour of today, no matter who he is or should that be who he was. Today I nearly lost Danny Parker again, he should never have gotten away seven years ago, but things were different then. I was different then, I was a naïve DC, and I am not her any longer, I have achieved something with my life, I worked hard to get where I am, I am his inspector, no matter the fact that he was once my boyfriend, no matter the fact that he once told me he loved me.

I look up as he makes his way into the office, he closes the door sharply behind him and then turns to look at me, he really has no idea why I am so angry, to him he was just doing his normal sailing close to the wind detective skills, I glare at him and hear myself asking him a question, the response is typical, something that I could have no doubt predicted he was going to say. That his actions today were correct because we got him in the end, he has always been like that, that the end justified the means, no matter how the means were completed.

Trust, I almost spit the word out at him, he looks back at me confused, I don't expect him to understand although I wish he did, if I can't trust him to listen and actually do what I say then I am never going to succeed as the DI here and perhaps it was right of me to hesitate and not apply.

Sam, not Ma'am, not Guv, just my name, mumbled at the start of his statement, he doesn't understand that this has nothing to do with the past, nothing to do with the time that we have spent together in the past, nothing to do with the passion we have shared. But perhaps I am trying to convince myself of this fact, but I cannot let him see that, I have to show him that his behaviour of today cannot happen again, he has to follow what I tell him.

I push both hands onto the desk and stand up, hoping that this will make the message sink in, that I am the DI again and he is supposed to listen to what I say. He isn't even looking at me, he is looking anywhere but at me, probably looking for the way out of here, but he isn't leaving without listening to what I have to say. But what am I saying? Do I actually even know myself? Here I am rambling about on about trust, but do I trust him? I don't know, I can be honest here in my head, that was the problem back then, I didn't know if he would cheat on me, so I ran. I made the choice to break away.

Standing up doesn't seem to be working, he isn't looking at me, still looking for the exit. I need to make things clear now, he cannot run off like he did today again, I gave him an order and what did he do, he did the opposite, he ignored what I told him, he should have never ended up at that storage facility, I would have found it all out eventually, Jess would have opened up to me, I am sure of it.

Of course there are different rules now, of course things have changed, I am the DI that means that I have to be responsible for his actions, like I was back when we hated one another. It is strange, so much has happened since then, we were once the closest of friends, but now standing here glaring at him, that all seems like a dream, even though it was all so real. It seems that we could be back in the past, back to my Acting DI days, back to the mutual dislike of one another.

I see his reaction to what I just said, he seems to think it ridiculous that I am acting in this way, but then perhaps that is his problem, he doesn't think about how his actions reflect on others, he just does without thinking, perhaps that was something that I liked about him once, his ability to not care what others thought, but now all I want to do is knock it out of him, however I fear that I am unlikely to succeed.

Perhaps I am overemotional, but the job is all I have. That is no-one's fault but mine, I chose this path, I chose to be ambitious, to make the best out of my every chance. I was demoted once, and barely recovered from the anguish it caused, it took all that I had to finally realise that Neil was my DI back then, that I had lost the job that I had worked at for eighteen months and I am determined to keep it now.

I turn my head to look away from him, thinking of what to say next, I look back at him and say the first things that come to mind, glaring at him, my eyes locking with his as he finally seems to realise that he needs to listen, his face looking at me as if to say _"Why did I ever tell you that I loved you?"._ I finish my sentence and continue to glare at him, our eyes still locked with one another's. Perhaps hoping that the other will speak and break the silence that has descended between us, neither of us breaking eye contact with one another, I slowly lower myself back into my seat, still glaring at him.

"I got you your result Ma'am" he says to me, smirking slightly "Danny Parker is going down for something that you couldn't pin on him seven years ago. But I worked it out today" and with that he turns away from me, opening the door and slamming it shut behind him, leaving me alone in here, alone with my thoughts, alone with the fact that the best way to get Phil Hunter to respect me as his boss was not to do what I just did, I should know what to do when it comes to him, but it still seems after all that we have been through that I am still as lost as ever before.

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